


What Rodney Wants

by tzzzz



Series: Roo'verse [5]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Abortion (discussion of), Alternate Universe, Love Triangles, M/M, Mpreg, Pregnant Sex, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-13
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-29 02:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/681851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tzzzz/pseuds/tzzzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney is determined to make his relationship with John work at all costs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Rodney Wants

**Author's Note:**

> See endnotes for additional pairing.

When Rodney woke the next morning, John was still asleep beside him, curled protectively around where Rodney could see the slightest opening in his pouch slit. He smiled. John looked young in sleep, completely innocent and truly carefree instead of wearing a thin veneer of nonchalance and hoping that nobody would notice the tension beneath.

"Who is it?" Rodney whispered, running a hand through John's hair. "Who did you let take you?"

John mumbled something indistinctly, turning to thwart the slow movements of Rodney's fingers even in sleep. But Rodney was hardly deterred. He lay back down and spooned up to John, reaching around to find his half-hard cock and give it a firm stroke. John shifted, pushing back into Rodney and making a contented humming sound. A few minutes more and he had John gasping and shifting restlessly against his palm.

"Rodney," he murmured, thrusting his hips and pushing over and over into Rodney's hand.

Just when Rodney thought that maybe John could come like this without even waking, John was suddenly stretching, almost missing Rodney's nose as he arched his back and turned, a sleepy smirk already in place. "Morning."

"Good morning," Rodney grinned back, leaning forward to kiss him briefly. "Really good morning."

John made a soft sound of assent. "And you didn't even wake up to a handjob." He grabbed Rodney's hand and put it back on his cock. "Even better when you're not expecting it."

Rodney's grin faded, his strokes slowing down but not stopping. "You wanted me to leave?"

John shrugged. "I wasn't thinking about much when I passed out on you last night. You could have left if you'd wanted."

"Well what if I didn't want to?" Rodney asked, knowing he was giving John his patented stubborn look - raised chin, defiant eyes and all.

"I'm happy you stayed." John gasped again, closing his eyes momentarily with pleasure before gathering his energy and flipping them over so he was spread out on top of Rodney, before starting a slow rub against him. "Really happy."

"So does that mean you want this to be," Rodney knew better than to use the r-word around John Sheppard, "a continuing thing."

John paused, thinking. "Yeah, I think I would like a continuing thing with you." He smiled, kissing Rodney again and pulling Rodney's hand up to finger the smooth seam of his pouch slit.

***

The next few weeks were pretty much business as usual, except almost every night Rodney made his way to John's quarters. Sometimes they'd play Ancient Civilizations first, or chess or watch a movie. In fact Rodney liked the nights when they decided to cuddle on John's bed and watch a movie the best, making out like Rodney never had a chance to do as a teenager with his arm curled protectively around John, idly fingering the sensitive pouch slit. And before he knew it, John would turn in his arms to deepen the kiss. John never said what it was that he meant by a "continuing thing" but when he looked Rodney in the eyes when moving beneath him, Rodney found it too easy to believe that John meant that their continuing thing would continue forever.

The first night Rodney fell asleep in John's room he felt incredibly guilty afterwards, but then he woke up to a happy John spooned up against him. Rodney had no idea whether or not John would actually prefer discretion, since he seemed more than amused by Rodney's paranoid checks of the lifesigns detector every morning as he slunk out, but knowing John, the only thing he wouldn't appreciate was talking about it.

And if they weren't talking about it, Rodney would prefer that nobody else know. If it wasn't serious, or the donor of John's child showed up one day, he didn't think he could stand being the center of the gossip mill. And when John decided to discontinue the continuing thing he sure as hell didn't want anyone's pity.

But then he'd find himself sitting behind John on the bed, his arms wrapped around the bandages on his hairy chest, imagining a cute kid with John's messy hair and John's courage and John's brilliance running around. He'd imagine teaching the kid about the mysteries of the universe, nurturing the brilliance that nobody had ever seemed to have valued in John, and showing him all the fun Rodney wished people had thought to give him during his own childhood. And yeah, maybe the kid wasn't his, but it was John's and if Rodney was being entirely honest with himself, he loved John enough that it wouldn't matter that Rodney wasn't the donor. He'd let the kid call him deedee anyhow and never look back.

"Tell me you'll keep it," Rodney whispered one day, while they were laying on Rodney's bed for a change, just dozing, with Rodney stroking John's arms and John holding Rodney's hand like it was some delicate precious thing.

"That's not really any of your business, McKay," John replied.

"I know. I just thought, in case you cared what I thought. I wouldn't mind if you had a baby. I might actually be happy. I'd still want a continuing thing with you."

John smiled, but there was something distant in his look. "I'll think about it, Rodney. I am thinking about it, but I have a job to do, people who depend on me. I can't afford to sit on my ass for six months. And I'm not sure if they'd let me stay here. I don't want to go back to Earth." Something in John's eyes and the way he touched Rodney hinted that maybe Rodney was part of the reason he didn't want to go back. Rodney felt his heart beat wildly at the prospect.

It was intoxicating, knowing that someone like John wanted him, might actually really care about him. The feeling overwhelmed him, making him feel giddy and stupid and like taking risks he might have no right to take. "I promised myself that I would never just incubate like my father. But this is different. You're right - your job requires that you stay active, but even though I'm obviously invaluable in the field, I haven't had the time to really devote to projects in the city as much as I'd like, and Zelenka can be marginally competent, but he's no Rodney McKay. I just, I'd hate to see any child of yours die when I could do something to prevent it."

"It's not a child yet."

"Bullshit. If neonates didn't already matter then why did all those nobles pay my father twenty-five thousand an incubation to carry for them? One of them was a famous saxophone player, another went on to own the New York Mets, another is a leading cancer research. More than half are already parents themselves and they're so happy to be alive that they all still send my father letters even though he was never in their lives. Who knows what this child could be? Let me incubate for you."

John's eyes blazed. "Goddamnit, Rodney, I'm not going to do that to you. If I decided to have this child, and that's still a pretty damn big 'if,' I'll make the sacrifice myself."

Rodney bit his lip. Was it wrong that he already cared about the kid, just like he'd cared about every one of his not-siblings while his dad was carrying them? As much as he loved the man, he'd never hang an innocent life on John's ability to sort out his emotional baggage and make the right decision between guilt and duty and independence. "You see, I was thinking, it wouldn't necessarily be so much of a sacrifice. I've been thinking a lot more recently about carrying myself, and it would really be a shame not to pass on my genius to the next generation, so maybe instead of artificially inducing a pouch slit, we could, um. What I mean to say is that I think that with your looks and my brains and okay maybe a little of your brains too, we could make pretty much a perfect kid, and even though they'd only share half their genes I've heard that pouch-mates are always close. We could kill two birds with one stone if you know what I mean."

John sighed then, burying his head in his hands and scrubbing at his eyes as though he could erase the entire conversation. Rodney'd made a big damn mistake and now he was going to pay for it. When John looked up, his eyes were compassionate, but sad. "Thank you for the offer, but I didn't think that we had that kind of relationship."

Rodney's barely held in a whimper. He knew what was coming but it still hit him like a freight train. He'd had his suspicions that John wasn't as invested in this as he was, but rejection was still rejection, no matter how well you prepared yourself for it. "I should've known better. I should have seen this coming. You could have anyone you want. You did and you got yourself knocked up and I should have just minded my own business rather than functionally be cheated on before the relationship even started, but I always thought we had a connection, but it was all wishful thinking. Why would someone like you ever want a geek like me for anything other than comfort sex?"

"No," John pleaded, grabbing Rodney's hand and squeezing so tight it almost hurt. "Rodney, no. It's not like that. I like you. I really, really like you. And if things were different. If I'd never met Leo and I'd never been stupid enough to get myself into this situation, then yeah, I'd definitely want that perfect kid with you, but you have to see that I can't, Rodney. I can't."

John wouldn't cry, of course. John Sheppard was the last man Rodney would ever expect to cry, but his eyes did go just a little glassy as he leaned into Rodney, their foreheads touching in the Athosian embrace.

***

Things did change after that. Rodney had been afraid that things would be awkward between them, but that turned out to be the least of his worries. Rodney had always know that John's laid-back attitude had been a cover, but he'd never fully understood its depths. John had a near pathological protection mechanism of trying to charm all threats to death. Rodney had often been the focus of John's attention, and sometimes flirtation, but he'd never been treated with the cowboy smile or John particular brand of slightly patronizing agreement before. It was as though all the tension had suddenly gone from their relationship. No more tit for tat, no more one-upsmanship, no more easy teasing. John had given up, Rodney realized. Rodney didn't like being given up on.

Others didn't see it that way, of course. Elizabeth even praised them for their sudden grasp of maturity. Teyla seemed happy to be without their bickering. And Ronon, to be honest, probably didn't notice anything. And beyond to loss of his best friend, when John was still right _there_ Rodney was _embarrassed_. He was a genius, he should have known better than to mess with John's massive amounts of baggage. He should have known that getting involved with someone carrying another man's baby was a bad idea, but he'd done it anyhow - an amateur mistake, a _desperate_ person's mistake and he hated being so pathetic.

Then of course he'd done the stupid thing and asked Katie Brown on another date, even though they'd never really recovered from the awkwardness of their first one. Katie was nice. She wasn't John, but she was sweet and pretty and really seemed to like Rodney and might maybe want to have his children one day. He should be grateful for even that. But he'd had a taste of what things _should_ be like if the universe weren't out to get him, and that was just too cruel. Whoever made up that better to have loved and lost nonsense was a moron, because Rodney knew that if he'd never thought he had a chance with John, he might be enjoying himself at this very moment instead of looking out at the waves just to avoid looking a beautiful woman in the eye.

"I'm happy you asked me out here today," Katie said. "I know our first date was a little unconventional and then I ruined everything by going out with Laura and that you're really busy, but I worried that you'd, well, lost interest."

"No, no," Rodney replied. "She got to you first, fair and square. She could have had the common decency to do it in her own body, but she did it."

"I liked you before that, Rodney. I still really like you. Laura was just one of those unstoppable forces. She made it easy."

"And I'm difficult?" Maybe that was the real reason John had gone to a stranger back on Earth instead of Rodney. Rodney didn't blame him. He knew how difficult he could be.

"You're unique," she squeezed his hand. "I like that about you. It just makes it hard to tell sometimes, what you really want."

Rodney wasn't an idiot. He knew this was the moment where he should say something sappy and romantic like 'what I really want is you,' but he couldn't bring himself to say it. He looked down at the picnic basket instead, pulling out a hunk of cheddar he'd been saving from the last Daedelus run. "Cheese?"

Katie looked disappointed, but she rallied. "No thank you. It really is a beautiful day."

"Yes, um, yes it is." Thank god Sam, the whale, picked that time to make an appearance.

"Wow, Rodney, did you see that?" Katie exclaimed. "Yussef has been talking about some of the large indigenous mammals on this planet, but I'd never thought I'd see one!"

"Oh, that's just my friend Sam."

"Sam?"

Rodney blushed. Even he knew better than to bring up his long-standing crush on someone else while on a date with a woman. "My whale-friend. Last year when I was stuck in a sinking jumper, Sam over there circled around allowing Sheppard and Zelenka to find me. And then you remember the recent thing with the solar eruption? Sam signaled us of that too."

"I'd heard something like that. Amy had one of those visions of what happened before with the Ancients and really scared the rest of us. But I knew everything would be okay. You always seem to save the day." She looked so earnest. It disgusted Rodney for a second that she'd just take it for granted that things would be okay when he counted every heart-pounding moment of terror when he was sure this would be the time when their crazy, last-minute, death-defying plan wouldn't come through and they'd all die.

"Yes, well, comes with the territory."

The lapsed into silence after that and Rodney wasn't sure if he should start talking about the flagisallis or if they'd moved on from that topic yet, when Katie shyly spoke. "So, Rodney, I um, I overheard that Colonel Sheppard was going to have a baby and I was wondering since the two of you are so close if you knew if that was true."

Rodney jumped up, catching the edge of the picnic blanket and making the silverware clatter. "What? Where'd you hear that? How is it even any of your business?" He panicked. John wouldn't want anyone to know. John would hate that anyone knew. He was private enough of a man to his friends, let alone acquaintances. He'd be crushed if he found out people knew. "What right do you have to even ask me that?"

Katie at least had the decency to look contrite. She winced. "I'm sorry, Rodney. I heard a rumor and I always thought that the reason you didn't try to pursue me after our first date was because you and the colonel had gotten together. And well, I might seem like a pushover sometimes, but I don't think I could take it if you were going out with me while he was carrying your child."

Rodney sighed, deflating. Of course Katie wasn't some gossip monger. She was just a nice girl who'd had her heart broken when Cadman went back to Earth (good riddance) and didn't want to be taken in again. Ironically, Katie Brown of all people was telling him that she wasn't nice enough (or maybe stupid enough) to go out with a man who was having a baby with someone else. "I'm sorry, Katie. I wouldn't do that to you. I don't like it being done to me, so of course I wouldn't do it to you."

"Excuse me? Rodney, are you okay?" Rodney had barely noticed that he was taking in gasping panicking breaths, or that it suddenly seemed hot out here, despite the sea breeze. He tugged at the collar of his dress shirt. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could he be so stupid? He should have known from the beginning that even if John loved him, the way John loved wasn't what Rodney needed. He wanted a partner and a family and someone who would do more than risk his life for him - someone who would risk his heart, as stupid as that sounded, and that was the one instance where John Sheppard was just plain cowardly.

Katie's hands were small, delicate and comforting as she patted his back and wrapped her arm around him, lowering him slowly to lay down with his head on her lap. "Shhh, Rodney, it's okay. Just breath."

"I was sleeping with a man after I knew he was carrying another man's child. And I was so stupid. I offered to incubate it for him. Because I'm an idiot and of course he wouldn't want that. He doesn't even want it, especially if I'm a part of it. But if it were mine - I'd take good care of the kid. I know I'm not exactly marriage material, but I never really tried before. There are books. I could learn to be a good parent."

"Oh, Rodney." Katie's hands felt so good in his hair, like he imagined a mother's might feel. Rodney hadn't even had a godmother to take care of him every once and a while - his father hadn't had any female friends. "I'm sure you would have been a great father. And if Colonel Sheppard isn't willing to accept such a selfless offer, then he's the stupid one."

"That doesn't negate the fact that I was stupid enough to offer when I know John and how he would react. He won't even trust me with the donor's name - why would he trust me to incubate his child? And everything was good, too, before I messed it up. Why couldn't I just have been happy with it?"

"Hey," Katie yanked him up to face her. "If things were good and all that went wrong was that you offered to help him, then maybe he just got a little scared. I know that male carriers experience only a fraction of the symptoms women do with pregnancy, but even without the hormones, he's probably feeling overwhelmed.

Rodey nodded. Katie was right. Maybe John had given up on their relationship, but Rodney didn't have to let him. Except for the one problem: everyone knew John was carrying and not only was that a terrible thing for John, but it meant that John would already feel hunted before Rodney even tried to talk to him.

"Where did you hear about John carrying?"

"Dr. Esposito was in the infirmary getting a cut stitched and she overheard Dr. Keller giving Ronon the Kangaroos and the Bees speech with reference to Colonel Sheppard. She just told me because she heard I was going out with you. I'm not sure anyone else knows."

"Well, that's too many people already. Dr. Keller should be happy nobody reports her. Is she even old enough to practice medicine?"

Katie shrugged. "You got your second doctorate when you were twenty."

Any other time Rodney would have been flattered that she remembered that, but he was too busy worrying about John and Keller and everyone else that now knew. "Would you mind if I, um, left now?"

"Can I keep the strawberries?"

Rodney'd had to call in a few trades for those. He was entitled to at least taste one. He grabbed a couple then nodded to Katie. She had been very helpful. "Take the rest."

Before she could reply, he was out the door.

***

Rodney found John standing out on his favorite balcony, a hand rubbing absently at his shirt over the pouch slit. Rodney had been all drive and anger coming over here, but now he didn't know what to say. "Um, hey."

John whirled around, caught off guard for once. "Hey," he might as well have been giving a report, for all the friendliness in his tone. Doctors seemed happier to tell patients they were about to die than John did talking to Rodney right now. "What do you want, McKay?"

"I want lots of things. I want a nobel prize, to come up with a grand unification theory, a box full of ZPMS, reliable access to good coffee, my cat. The list is endless, but while I'm at it, maybe you could tell me what the hell is going on? We're friends, right?"

John rolled his eyes. "I thought so. I also thought that if you cared enough to carry my goddamned child, then you'd care enough to give me some time."

"What? You're the one who's been acting all weird and stiff around me. You're the one who gave up, not me."

"You want a family. You _deserve_ to be with someone who will be happy to have you carry for them. We already talked about this. I'm not that guy. I'm sorry, Rodney, but I never will be."

"That's okay," Rodney replied. If he were willing to sacrifice everything else for John, why not lay that dream to rest? Katie was right, if he could be happy to just be with John without marriage and children and his pouch slit opened up, then he should just be with John and stop thinking about how it might be perfect if he could find someone who he loved as much as he loved John, only without two tons of emotional baggage in tow. The chance was so small as to be approaching nothing at all. He reached out, slowly, like he was trying to soothe a wild animal. "I want whatever you can give me."

John stepped forward into Rodney's arms, but the tension didn't fade. His muscles felt stiff, like solid metal beneath Rodney's hands. "What if it's not enough?"

"Then we'll deal with it then instead of getting in the way of what we both want now just because it might not work out. I'm serious, John. I'll try if you do."

Some of the tension gave, but not all of it. John was holding Rodney tight now, just hugging him tight against his body. "And Dr. Brown?"

"I was trying to take my mind off you, but it turned out she was the one to get me to come out here and give us another try."

"You won't be seeing her again?" John asked, studying Rodney's face. As though he could possibly doubt that Rodney would rather be with a mousey botanist, no matter how nice, than with John.

"I won't be going out with her, no. I'm sure I'll be seeing her. I am nominally her boss, in spite of my opinions on those hippie gardeners and their so-called science. Maybe we could even be friends. I don't have a lot of female friends."

"Okay, but no more dates," John growled.

"You're jealous? Of course you're jealous. I should have seen this earlier. The whole Norina thing and Alina, and that dancer on MF9-934--"

"That was a hooker, Rodney."

"So you wanted me to believe. She was a member of the local dance academy."

"Well, no more dancers, then," John replied, spinning them to press Rodney back against the wall leading back inside to the city. Their kiss tasted like strawberries, but felt somehow like losing.

***

Rodney was in the control room when it happened. Some of the idiots up in ops had been messing with the dialing protocol again, and John and Elizabeth were once again trying to out-stubborn each other over that incident with the marines and the lemon meringue pie that Rodney didn't really feel the need to get in the middle of at the moment, so he was crouched under one of the consoles hoping to look inconspicuous.

"You know I can see you, Dr. McKay?" Chuck asked. Maybe not so inconspicuous then. "And I think Colonel Sheppard can too." Rodney peaked out to see John smirking at him through the glass of Elizabeth's office, completely ignoring whatever she was saying to him.

Rodney was in the middle of glaring back when the gate alarm activated. "Unscheduled activation," Chuck announced. "Receiving Earth's IDC."

"Lower the shield," Rodney ordered. This was against protocol, but then again who knew what might be going on with the SGC. Rodney just hoped it wasn't the evacuation plan. They were nowhere near prepared to take on refugees, no matter what the IOA thought.

Rodney was bracing himself for a mob of evacuated VIPs when a single man stepped through, the gate shutting down behind him. John and Elizabeth had made their way out of the office and down the gateroom steps.

"Colonel Mitchell," Elizabeth said, smiling. "This is a surprise."

Mitchell smiled back, all southern charm, but his eyes flashed with more anger than Rodney thought the man was even capable of. His stomach sank. He wouldn't admit it, but he _knew_ in the moment exactly what Cameron Fucking Mitchell was doing here.

Elizabeth's smile faltered. "Is there something wrong? The SGC--"

"Don't worry, Ma'am, my business here is personal."

He looked at John the entire time, before John couldn't seem to take it and looked away. Rodney hadn't seen anyone else but Ronon manage to stare John down like that. "I'm sorry, Cam. We need to talk."

Rodney didn't hear whatever diplomatic dribble Elizabeth said next, he just met John's eyes from below, seeing the apology written there clear as day.

"Well, I guess that answers that question," Rodney said to the empty air in front of him while John was already guiding Mitchell up the stairs and towards the living quarters.

**Author's Note:**

> Additional pairing is John Sheppard/Cameron Mitchell.


End file.
